I really enjoy reading a lot of natural hair blogs because it’s a huge step to change up how you look and figure out what really matters about self. I find natural hair blogs to be great outlets of that. I think hair is such a big thing in many cultures but I feel Black women struggle with it often because, let’s face it, it’s super hard to maintain and everything goes back to slavery or the motherland and most Black people want to shed that, whether they think about it or not. One thing I’ve noticed often is the “Hair Story” on many of these blogs. They are extremely inspirational and help you feel like you’re not alone in the transformation. I just realized I have never used my blog as an outlet to tell my hair story so I thought this would be a great opportunity now as I think about new jobs and ventures and as I open myself up more. So here it goes!:

The picture above was taken during the last days of high school in 2006. My senior year had been crazy. I took a lot of AP courses, was still applying to colleges not knowing where to go, and was evaluating friendships and my future. The last thing on my mind shouldn’t have been hair but I struggled with low-self esteem like many young people do. I think I wanted to look as normal as possible even though, as you grow older, you realize that’s the last thing you want to be. I also didn’t go to a predominantly black school. I think there were maybe 10 black kids in our almost 200 ‘06 class. So I felt this extra pressure from this small amount of Black kids to at least look like they did or act like them. Most of those girls had long straight hair and whether that was help from a weave or not, it was a look I had not achieved. I have had short hair all my life. Occasionally I did the Janet Jackson Poetic Justice braids or dookie braids in a bob. I did microbraids a few times but it takes such a long time. That definitely was not a habit. But mainly I had a short, uneven, relaxed pixie cut. THAT WOULD NOT GROW OUT. San Antonio is also a humid place to live so keeping my hair bone straight was not easy. Many precious hours burning my scalp in a salon were wasted when, within a week, my hair would look a mess. It was useless and it was about $60 of my mom’s money down the drain.

Come the week before school, I woke to prepare for a theater recital thing that the senior class had to complete. I went to an arts magnet school so life was like Glee only less annoying. I liked theater but I was nervous. I think I could never overcome myself to be onstage. I could not overcome how I looked or how I spoke or what I knew. I looked in the mirror and thought, but that will be your whole life. How will you get through college or careers worried about what others think about you? My first step away from that kind of thinking was to get rid of my hair. I needed the courage to do something and that was all I could think of. I took my dad’s shearers and went to work. It came out awful and I eventually went down to my usual hairdresser so she could make it into a cute cut. This was a Saturday and I went to school Monday, the last week of school, with what you see above.

A lot of people were really excited and just kept saying how they wish they were that brave. I remember my mom had shaved my head twice before. Once I think when I was 6 and maybe when I was 10. The first time I cried. I didn’t want to be mistaken for a little boy but my mom hated doing hair and I was such a tomboy, that I looked pretty wrecked at the end of school day. The second time I was much better about it. I still didn’t want to do it but I felt comfortable. I could go swimming and sweat away the day outside. I could get up in the morning a just GO! and just BE! I think all throughout high school I had been longing for that feeling again and I got it even if it was just for the last week. It was nice to hear how brave I was as I was ending that part of my life.

The only person who gave me attitude was a mixed girl who asked me “WHY did I do that?” I think she thought I was crazy. Anybody else who had something  negative to say, mainly just gave wide-eyed looks. But I saw that as a positive. I think I was seen as the real me and people got to take it in fully with their eyes open that big.

I looked at life beyond 18 as something that shouldn’t have to deal with the physical. Despite going to school with uniforms, you could tell who had J.Crew khaki pants and who took something off the rack at Goodwill. And after every Christmas people would show you the new fancy things they got as presents. And you’d also sit and wonder why that boy who has more in common with you decided to date that other girl. But then you realized it was maybe because she was pretty and knew how to line her eyes well and apply blush perfectly. And she was thin and had pretty long hair. All those things, despite being smart, nice and pretty frickin’ funny, bothered me. It wasn’t enough to be interesting, you had to have the look. I was ready to be over that.

I shaved my head in May and in November India.Arie’s song, “I Am Not My Hair” came out. It was like divine intervention because I think it was around that time I actually did struggle with the fact that my hair was super short. It gave me the courage to push on. I loved it, cherished it, and worked with it. 4 years on though, a fro became increasingly hard to bear.

I loved it, I just didn’t want to handle it anymore. I thought the point of short hair was to not have to deal with it. So the decision was made. I was going for dreads. I think I had always wanted them. I looked up to Lauryn Hill as a young girl and wanted to be like her (just like braids made me want to be like Brandy). And my dad is the ultimate reggae fan. Looking through his record collection you couldn’t help but see all the beautiful dreadlocked bands on the covers. I had a lot of encouragement from my friends and my mom. I didn’t know how I was going to look with it but that’s where the excitement was. How was this new hairstyle going to make me different?

February 18th, 2010 was when it happened and it’s been growing like wildfire since. It’s all very trial and error because as I talk with others who have dreads, you find out it’s simply what works for you. For example, I like to use conditioner. Or sometimes I use gel and other times I use wax to twist them with. I’ve used Aveeno hair spray to nourish or I’ll just go in the kitchen and use olive oil. I love my hair and it’s been interesting to experiment with it. Having dreads is just as much work as my fro or even as my relaxed hair. But it’s a different kind of work. More like a labor of love. I think it has to do with having a lot more fun putting my hands through my hair. It’s weird to have locs and still have bad hair days. You would think that would be impossible. But I feel like I have more good days than bad and the focus can be taken off of hair or how I look just in general and I can just be me.

I’m probably more into clothes than I used to be and I admire the work of designers, makeup artists, and stylists more than I ever have before. I think I’ve learned that it’s okay to like how you look and try different styles, but not to obsess over it or worry about being the next chick. I’ve been single for a long time but I’m happy in it knowing that it has nothing to do with how I perceive myself anymore. Of course, you can’t feel like this all the time. It isn’t, I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR everyday. But confidence is building and I know it all started with my hair.

So this is me now. 5 years into it a you start to realize that you get fat, you get thin, that you have no hair or you have lots of it. That one day you wake up and realize you do kinda like high heels and that ruffles are totally your thing. Green is now your favorite color when it used to be blue. And as much as that is meaningless, it also really isn’t. This was a long read I’m sure but I’ve started to have more hope about this year and I hope that people can find inspiration wherever it may be hiding. I just know that since that big chop, I’ve been cutting away at what doesn’t matter anymore. I trust that others may find the confidence to do the same.